my vag is so smooth its legendary
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
