I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
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hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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