Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
