It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
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I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
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im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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