Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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