I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
