She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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