After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
