I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
