Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
