dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
