she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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