I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
