dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
