my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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