he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Is it penis luge time yet?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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