I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
