I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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