Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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