i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
