fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
