i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
