I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
