I wish I could teleport
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
