Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
