hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
