my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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