It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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