I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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