She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
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it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
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The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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