I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
