This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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