And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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