I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
