This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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