She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
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Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
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I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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