If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
