I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
