His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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