Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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