My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You're like the curious george of whores
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You need a sexual gate keeper
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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