I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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