"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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