I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
