I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Randomize
