NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
