I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
