New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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