I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
