Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
