So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
