it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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