1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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