I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
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