I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dignity is for republicans.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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