There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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