i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
