he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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