saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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