Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
