When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
